just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
