YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
