If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
