She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
