yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
