Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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