Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
