mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
