He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
