Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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