i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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