My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
