just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
