I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my shit smells like andre
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I currently don't understand fingers.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
