Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
