Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
