i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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