new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
