Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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