if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
no more duck duck goose at the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
