oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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