Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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