If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
