using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
