Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
