I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
