I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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