i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's the barista slut.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
