Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
