...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
