Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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