respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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