White coat. Heels.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
