You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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