thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
