took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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