i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
