I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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