I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
