alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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