I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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