Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
