i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize