I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
