Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found the puke drawer
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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