Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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