If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
