so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
