how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
