I can text with my tongue
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
