he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
