WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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