cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize