i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Found the puke drawer
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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