fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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