I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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