Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize