I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
