I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
