I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
