Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
